Tagged: Humor

An Open Letter to the NY Mets

The following is my second attempt at starting a vlog.  Check it out at

An Open Link to the NY Mets.  It’s my homage to the entire new round of embarrassment the team has found a way to cause.
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The Top 5 Nonsensical Baseball Songs Ever

Have
you ever sat in the ballpark and asked, “Why in God’s name are they playing
that song?”  I understand why the Astros
jam to “Deep in the Heart of Texas” during their 7th Inning Stretch,
but can someone tell me what connection could there possibly be between “Lazy
Mary” by Lou Monte and the Mets’ 7th Inning?  You know what I mean?  The following are my Top 5 Baseball songs
that make me go “Whaa?”

 

5. Lets Go Mets Go! – Who can forget the
rally cry of the 1986 Mets?  And sure, it
was great at the time.  It has Martha Quinn in the video for Christ
sakes (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OzHwiDZ3pgQ
)!  Nonetheless, considering the sad
state of the team today, you have to ask why it still gets toted out during rain delays.  It just looks dusty and sad (expect for Gary
Carter’s ‘fro.  That will always look amazing).

 

4. All the Way – Who remembers this little
ditty written by Eddie Vedder in 2007 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CqHTScDBsDU)?
The Cubs made such a big deal about the song when it first came out, but did
anyone take a look-see at the lyrics before they did?  “We know someday
we’ll go all the way.”    Someday? 
Talk about not wanting to hedge your bets.

 

3. Shout – Yes, the Washington Nationals
actually play “Shout” during the 7th inning. Come to think of it,
there’s probably not a more appropriate song. 
If you’ve ever been to a Washington Nationals game, you’re usually ready
to “shout, pick your heels up and shout” as you run toward the gate by the 7th.

 

2. Ok Blue Jays – Frankly, I never heard
this song, but I bet it’s pretty polite and flaccid.  Come to think of it…not unlike the team.

 

1. Go Cubs Go – I am well aware that this
will probably make me the most unpopular girl in the Windy City, but hear me
out.  It’s a catchy ditty.  It’s actually on my iPod.  The tradition is to play the song after a Cubs’ win, yet the song is about
future Cubs’ wins.  Why isn’t it played before the game? Again, talk about a team that hasn’t won in so
long, they’re actually afraid of the word “win.” Sometimes a classic deserves
more respect than a drunken frat boy serenade in front of John Barleycorn. 

“We Believe” – A Review of the Cubs Documentary at the Music Box Theatre

Last Sunday at the Music Box Theatre, we ran “We Believe: A Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime (2009)”, a documentary about the Chicago Cubs.   After the film, I even got to co-host the Q&A.  Directed by John Scheinfeld, “We Believe” is a celebration of the devotion of a great city for its baseball team.   “We Believe” explores the relationship between Chicago, the Cubs and (at least for me) their absolutely inexplicably loyal fans.

 

Shot during the failed 2008 baseball season, “We Believe” documents the city and team as well as the 100th anniversary of the Cubs’ last World Series win while looking toward the team’s future. “We Believe” stars Lou Piniella, Hugh Heffner, Billy Corgan, Ernie Banks, Joe Mantegna, Ron Santo, current and former players as well as politicians, historians (one of which was my old boss at the National Baseball Hall of Fame) and their ever faithful fans. Scheinfeld gives the world a look into the unique city of Chicago and why its people are so passionate about the Cubs.

 

Even though there is another team across town…remember them?

 

Not being a native, I find Chicago history wildly interesting.  How Chicago went from frontier town to “The Second City” is a true American success story.  This film has footage of the city actually shot by Thomas Edison in the late 1800’s.  From a self-proclaimed history geek’s point of view, how awesome is that?!

 

“We Believe” is also the first documentary to be completely sanctioned by the team.  It also contains what is believed to be the only known footage of the 1909 Chicago Cubs. The story of how that footage was found is stuff right out of “National Treasure.”  As a self-proclaimed baseball geek, how awesome is that?! 

 

Scheinfeld’s opus to his beloved team seems to be the perfect storm of an awesome documentary but then the film began…

 

This promising documentary dissolves quickly into a self-loathing homage to a group of sad sack fans.  It celebrates and never questions why there is this culture of losing on as well as off the field.  During the Q&A, I asked Mr. Scheinfeld what makes the Cubs different?  I’m sorry Cubs fans.  Your team isn’t the only team in the history of sports to go through a comically long losing   streak.  He responded that Cubs fans and the Cubs franchise were that special and deserving of this attention because Cubs fans still root for their team when they lose.  

 

I guess Royals fans don’t?

 

Woah!  Why is that ok?  I’m not saying to dump your team at the first sign of a sweep by the Pirates.  What I’m saying is, maybe you shouldn’t go to the ball park and dump a hundred bucks on beers when the organization isn’t putting a winning team on the field.  Maybe if you stayed home and the franchised was forced to face those empty seats, they would invest more in the team.

 

Sure, I understand that for the past season or so, the franchise was facing bankruptcy and now the team is under new ownership.  However, what’s your explanation for the ninety-eight years before that?  Or better yet, what’s your explanation for the team’s lack of inactivity during this off-season (other than dumping Milton Bradley, a no brainer)?

 

Scheinfeld said that Cubs fans were different because they were generational.  What?  And Red Sox fans aren’t?  Would you like to tell that to my cousins in Lowell, MA?  What about those White Sox fans?

 

Yeah…that team across town.  You know, that other team with a comically long drought which still found a way to win five years ago?

Happy Opening Day from a Facebook Point of View

In honor of this glorious Opening Day (aren’t they all?), the following are some of the funniest baseball conversations I’ve heard, had, or saw on Facebook all day…

 

Jessie S. set her Facebook status to say, “Jessie S. is so happy for baseball.” Jess, I’m confused…aren’t you an Indians fan?

 

Speaking of Indians fans, the following is just an excerpt of Maureen W.’s love letter to the Cleveland Indians Front Office, “Dear Cleveland Indians, I thought we were going to try to win this year. Remember? Oh, your cheap-*** owners got rid of everybody during the off-season? I miss the mid-90s.”  Me too, Mo.  Slap bracelets can’t come back quick enough.

 

Andrew R. says, “Go Baseball!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Where?  If this involves me getting on the Red line in the dead heat of the summer, I’m taking up hockey.

 

Peter G. says, “Watched the Cubs get down 14-5 before I finally turned it off. Cubs, you are in serious danger of me allowing my son to grow up a Yankees fan, just so he knows what it’s like to win something. Stop sucking.”

 

On the same topic, Eric L. says “What the ****. There’s no one at that flipping ball park on top of it all.***** you Atlanta. I hope you burn to the ground…(again)”

 

(Singing) Go, Cubs go. Go, Cubs gooooooo……  What?  Too soon to start singing this ironically?

 

Upon David Wright’s homerun in today’s game:

Me: “Yey!”

My Roommate Meeg (in the other room): “Yey!  Wait! What are we cheering for?”

 

Jay S. said, “You know what I love about the Yankees….I don’t know anything about sports, but I still know who Don Mattingly is.  Now, Dolly Parton is a completely different story.”

 

Dujuan P. said to Jay M., “So if the Mets start winning, is Trish going to flip back to being a Mets fan?” Woah! Easy, aren’t you a White Sox fan?  Make yourself at home….stab someone.

 

When Johan Santana gave up a hit in the third inning,  Howie R. said on the Mets radio broadcast, “And the Mets will yet again not have a nohitter.” Dude! It was the third inning.  That’s like me singing karaoke at a bar and you telling me that I just lost out on my chances of winning “American Idol.” 

 

Mike G. said, “The Pittsburgh Pirates are in first place.” (Cue me falling off the couch laughing)

 

Lori S. says, “Hip, Hip Jorge!”  Oh come on, Lori! You can come up with something better than that….Oh wait! That’s what your adorable baby girl says when Posada comes to bat? I’ll go hang my head in shame, now.

 

My uncle said, “”Go Boston Go! May the yank’s suck Boston mud. ;-)”

I refuse to comment on smack talk that isn’t grammatically correct.

 

And finally, from my Facebook status, “Hey Boston! You may have won this one but don’t be shocked when you see all your tires slashed in the parking lot.” Happy Opening Day, ya’ll!

 

 

 

 

A Salute to a Traffic Accident

Well, here’s another sketch I wrote that I figured I would get out there before it got too dated:

Normal
0

Characters

Marie
Henry – 27

Officer
Kathleen Christiano – 35

Joe
Girardi – 45

 

A mangled vehicle on the side of the

Cross County Parkway.  Late November

4th, 2009

  

JOE GIRARDI enters SL, making his way

through the mangled metal.

 

 

JOE

Mam!

          (Checking
her vitals)

Are
you ok?

 

MARIE

          (Moving
her arms slowly)

Just
a little stunned.

 

JOE

          (Checking
vitals)

Try
to stay still until the police get here.

 

JOE GIRARDI pulls out his cell phone

and dials. Puts phone on speaker
phone

as he tries to help MARIE. RINGING is

heard.

 

 

MARIE

          (Glimmer
of recognition)

Hey…aren’t
you…

 

OFFICER

          (Voice
Over)

Westchester
County police

 

JOE

          (Adrenalized)

Hey!
I was driving up the Cross County and saw this accident on the side of the road.

 

OFFICER

          (Voice
Over)

Name?

 

JOE

Joe
Girardi.  The accident is at mile
marker…

 

MARIE, still laying there is

shocked.

 

OFFICER

          (Voice Over)

Shut
the hell up!

 

JOE

What?

 

OFFICER

          (Voice Over)

Manager
of the New York Yankees, Joe Girardi?

 

 

JOE

Umm,
yeah.

 

MARIE

I
know. I’m laying right here and I can’t believe it myself.

 

JOE

Officer…

 

OFFICER

          (Voice
Over)

I
just saw you on TV.

 

MARIE

Me
too!

 

JOE

Officer…

 

 

OFFICER

          (Voice
Over)

Christiano.  Oh my God! 
It’s really Joe “I just won a World Series” Girardi!

 

JOE

There’s
a woman trapped in a car here.

 

OFFICER

          (Voice
Over)

Oh
yeah… Mam. Are you ok?

 

MARIE

          (Weakly)

I’m
fine.  I’m just stunned…

          (Excitedly)

…stunned
that Joe Girardi is standing in front of my freakin’ face!

 

OFFICER

          (Voice Over)

I
know! How cool is that?

 

JOE

I
hate to interrupt you ladies, but her vitals seem to be fine.  There’s no visible signs of bleeding, but
she is sitting in glass so I’m afraid to move her.

 

MARIE

Manager
of the World Series Champion New York Yankees and he’s a regular “Doctor House.”

 

OFFICER

          (Voice
Over)

I
LOVE THAT TV SHOW!

 

JOE

Ladies,
I’m super flattered but…

 

OFFICER and MARIE start giggling.

 

OFFICER

          (Voice
Over)

Don’t
worry Miss…

 

MARIE

Marie
Henry.

 

OFFICER

          (Voice
Over)

Miss
Henry. We are about 2 minutes away.  The
most important thing I need you to do is not
move…

 

MARIE

He
said that too!

 

OFFICER and MARIE giggle more.

 

OFFICER

          (Voice
Over)

Another
brilliant call by Girardi!

 

 

MARIE

          (Full
out laughing)

Oh
come on, now!  With a 200 million dollar payroll, I can manage a team to a World Series too!

 

OFFICER is full out laughing.

 

MARIE

          (Continuing)

And
I was last in my fantasy baseball league!

 

OFFICER and MARIE crack up.

 

MARIE

          (Holding
side)

That
hurts.

 

JOE

Hey!
Watch it!

 

MARIE

          (Trying
to contain her laughter)

Sorry
man…

 

JOE

          (Starting
to get pissed)

I
just ran across a major highway…

 

OFFICER

          (Voice
Over)

Just
joshin’ ya.

 

JOE 

          (Overlap,
more intense)

To
see if you were alright.

 

MARIE

Easy
buddy!

 

JOE

          (Overlap,
freaking out)

I
could have been killed!

 

OFFICER

          (Voice
Over, mocking)

Oooh!  The Evil Empire finally comes off its pedestal and we’re supposed to be soooo greatful.

 

JOE

That’s
not what I mean.

 

OFFICER

          (Voice
Over, Defensive)

Ahem!
Let’s go Red Sox!

 

MARIE responds with clap, clap,

clap, clap, clap.

 

MARIE

Oh
my God! You too?!

 

JOE

          (Defeated)

I
should get going…

 

MARIE

          (Disappointed)

Yeesh,
win a World Series and lose all your humor…

 

A Police Car Pulls up.

FLASHING LIGHTS are seen.

 

JOE

Finally…

 

OFFICER

          (Over
a Bullhorn)

Jeter
Sucks!  Jeter Sucks!

 

MARIE

          (Overlap)

Jeter
Sucks! Jeter Sucks!

 

JOE

THAT’S IT! You people are nuts.

 

JOE GIRARDI storms off.

OFFICER walks up to the car.

She’s trying to control her laughter.

 

OFFICER

Jeter
Sucks! Jeter Sucks!

 

MARIE

          (Overlap)

Jeter
Sucks! Jeter Sucks!

 

The OFFICER and MARIE begin to

laugh.

 

BLACKOUT

 

Before this Cold News Story Gets Too Cold…

I wrote this sketch over the winter when Sammy Sosa raised all hell with his “new look”.  I figured I would get it out there before our thoughts turn to an entire new season of trouble-making by Major Leaguers.

 

Characters

Trish Vignola – Big News Sports Report

Sammy Sosa – Disgraced Baseball Slugger

Mike Greenberg – ESPN’s “Mike and Mike in the Morning”

Sarah Kustok – Comcast SportsNet Chicago

Carol Slezak – Chicago Sun Times

Jay Mariotti – Fanhouse.com

 

A bustling press conference.

 

 

Trish Vignola

          (To the “Camera”)

Thanks Aemilia! Sammy Sosa recently shocked sports fans everywhere appearing at a Las Vegas event with a drastically altered appearance. Sosa has called this press conference today to defend his actions.

 

SAMMY SOSA enters the press conference.

He is preferably the whitest guy in the

cast.

 

Trish

          (Whispering)

It looks like we’re about to begin.

 

Sammy Sosa

(Comically Hispanic)

I appreciate the opportunity to call this press conference to discuss this laughable…umm…how do you say, controversy? Yes, controversy about my physical appearance.  I will now answer any and all questions and finally put this issue to rest.

 

REPORTERS jump up from the audience.

They are shouting, “Sammy! Sammy! Sammy!”

 

Sammy Sosa

Yes, you.  The skinny Jew.

 

Mike Greenberg

          (Caught off Guard)

What? 

 

Sammy Sosa

What? I’m sorry.  My English is not veddy good.

 

Mike Greenberg

Umm.  Ok. Mike Greenberg, ESPN’s “Mike and Mike in the Morning.” 

          (Looking for the words)

Wow.  How do I go about saying this?  Dude! What the hell did you do to yourself?

 

Sammy Sosa

Oh, you noticed?

 

Mike Greenberg

Hellooo! How could you not notice?!

 

Sammy Sosa

This hair cut has taken years off my face.

 

Mike Greenberg

What?!

 

Sarah Kustok

Let me get a shot at this.  Sammy! Sammy!

 

Sammy Sosa

You! The Big Boobed Blonde in the front row…

 

Sarah Kustok

          (Starts ripping her hoops off)

Excuse me?!

 

Sammy Sosa

          (With “Silly Me” intention)

My Ingles!

 

Sarah Kustok

You’ve been in this country for over 20 years.  How bad can your Ingles be?!

 

Sammy Sosa

Tene una pregunta?

 

Sarah Kustok

          (Mumbling)

I’ll give you a pregunta.

          (Composing herself)

You haven’t picked up a bat in two seasons.  Do you think we’re really here because of a haircut?

 

Sammy Sosa

Well, when a future Hall of Famer like myself…

 

MIKE GREENBERG spit takes.

 

Sarah Kustok

Seriously?!

 

Carol Slezak

MR. SOSA!

 

Sammy Sosa

Front Row, Grandma Moses.

 

Carol Slezak

          (Takes a Deep Breath)

Mr. Sosa, after your photo was taken on November 7th, you claimed that the drastic change in your skin tone had to do with a skin rejuvenation cream from Europe and camera lighting.

 

Sammy Sosa

Si.

 

Carol Slezak

With all due respect, I have heard that the camera can put ten pounds on you…

Sammy Sosa

In your case, viente.

 

REPORTERS breakout into an angry

barrage.

 

Sammy Sosa

          (With “Silly Me” intention)

Ingles!

 

Jay Mariotti

          (A little Effeminate)

Jay Marriotti, Fanhouse.com

 

Sammy Sosa

Sorry about that Prop Ocho thing.

 

 

REPORTERS breakout into an angry

barrage.

 

Sammy Sosa

          (With “Silly Me” intention)

Ingles!

 

 

Trish Vignola

Trish Vignola, Big News Chicago

 

Sammy Sosa

I loved you in “Good Fellas.”

 

Trish Vignola

          (Plowing through)

Mr. Sosa, regardless of whether you “purposely” bleached your skin or not, does your new appearance have anything to do with the recent public acceptance of fellow performance enhancing drug offenders – Andy Pettitte and Alex Rodriguez?

 

Sammy Sosa

Que?

 

Jay Mariotti

They’re white and you’re not, you dunder head!

 

Carol Slezak

Are you trying to become whiter, in hopes of upping your acceptance amongst Hall of Fame voters?

 

Sammy Sosa

          (Slowly becoming more eloquent)

Race and public acceptance in the game have always been inextricably linked.

          (A throw away to CAROL SLEZAK)

You should know.  With a booty like that, you had to be a Negro Leagues fan?

 

Carol Slezak

I’m NOT that old you son of a…

 

Sammy Sosa

(More eloquent)

I swear under oath that I would never do anything to endanger myself for public acceptance in a mere child’s game.

 

Sarah Kutsok

Sammy, no one has sworn you in…

 

Sammy Sosa

(More eloquent)

It’s just an honor to have played the game in such a great city for as long as I have, your honor.

 

Sarah Kutsok

Sammy, you do realize where you are, right?

 

Sammy Sosa

          (Eloquent)

To play the game with such vanity would cause a person to do ridiculous things that I would never do…

 

Jay Marriotti

Like corking your bat?

 

Sammy Sosa

(Eloquent)

Cartoonish things…

 

Carol Slezak

Like your hat size along with your home run production increasing at an alarming rate?

 

Sammy Sosa

(U of C Professor Eloquent)

I just want to repeat, that I never based the actions of my career on the sole purpose of getting into the Baseball Hall of Fame.  I don’t care if I ever get inducted or not.

 

Mike Greenberg

Sammy.  I personally broadcasted your numerous comments this year alone about expecting to make the Hall of Fame, even though you lied to Congress, have been caught cheating on numerous occasions and seem to be capable of anything, including drastically altering your appearance to keep your face in the news. What do you have to say to this?

 

Sammy Sosa

(Comically Hispanic again)

Oh, I’m sorry…my English is not veddy good.

 

Trish Vignola

Sammy, what’s Spanish for Perjury?   

 

Sammy Sosa

          (Comically Hispanic)

No more questions!

SAMMY SOSA panics and runs off ala Speed Gonzalez.

BLACKOUT

 

 

A Slow News Day on MLB.Com?

I love when Major League Baseball has a slow news day, because I always find the greatest fluff pieces on MLB.com.  Did you check out the latest ditty from today?  http://tinyurl.com/fluff-pieces  Sleep well fans (now that you know who LaTroy Hawkins is rooting for tomorrow).

 

The following are the Top 5 pieces I want to see on MLB.com, next time there’s a slow news day:

 

5. This is the Pirates Year! (Awh, who are we kidding?)

 

4. Your favorite female politician in a pants suit: Pelosi or Clinton.  Major Leaguers take sides!

(Bet you want to know what LaTroy Hawkins has to say about this one.)

 

3. This is the Mets Year! (Stop laughing at me, Jimmy Rollins!)

 

2. The Southside of Chicago’s best arms… Michelle Obama?

 

1. The DH Rule…Get Over it.