Before this Cold News Story Gets Too Cold…

I wrote this sketch over the winter when Sammy Sosa raised all hell with his “new look”.  I figured I would get it out there before our thoughts turn to an entire new season of trouble-making by Major Leaguers.

 

Characters

Trish Vignola – Big News Sports Report

Sammy Sosa – Disgraced Baseball Slugger

Mike Greenberg – ESPN’s “Mike and Mike in the Morning”

Sarah Kustok – Comcast SportsNet Chicago

Carol Slezak – Chicago Sun Times

Jay Mariotti – Fanhouse.com

 

A bustling press conference.

 

 

Trish Vignola

          (To the “Camera”)

Thanks Aemilia! Sammy Sosa recently shocked sports fans everywhere appearing at a Las Vegas event with a drastically altered appearance. Sosa has called this press conference today to defend his actions.

 

SAMMY SOSA enters the press conference.

He is preferably the whitest guy in the

cast.

 

Trish

          (Whispering)

It looks like we’re about to begin.

 

Sammy Sosa

(Comically Hispanic)

I appreciate the opportunity to call this press conference to discuss this laughable…umm…how do you say, controversy? Yes, controversy about my physical appearance.  I will now answer any and all questions and finally put this issue to rest.

 

REPORTERS jump up from the audience.

They are shouting, “Sammy! Sammy! Sammy!”

 

Sammy Sosa

Yes, you.  The skinny Jew.

 

Mike Greenberg

          (Caught off Guard)

What? 

 

Sammy Sosa

What? I’m sorry.  My English is not veddy good.

 

Mike Greenberg

Umm.  Ok. Mike Greenberg, ESPN’s “Mike and Mike in the Morning.” 

          (Looking for the words)

Wow.  How do I go about saying this?  Dude! What the hell did you do to yourself?

 

Sammy Sosa

Oh, you noticed?

 

Mike Greenberg

Hellooo! How could you not notice?!

 

Sammy Sosa

This hair cut has taken years off my face.

 

Mike Greenberg

What?!

 

Sarah Kustok

Let me get a shot at this.  Sammy! Sammy!

 

Sammy Sosa

You! The Big Boobed Blonde in the front row…

 

Sarah Kustok

          (Starts ripping her hoops off)

Excuse me?!

 

Sammy Sosa

          (With “Silly Me” intention)

My Ingles!

 

Sarah Kustok

You’ve been in this country for over 20 years.  How bad can your Ingles be?!

 

Sammy Sosa

Tene una pregunta?

 

Sarah Kustok

          (Mumbling)

I’ll give you a pregunta.

          (Composing herself)

You haven’t picked up a bat in two seasons.  Do you think we’re really here because of a haircut?

 

Sammy Sosa

Well, when a future Hall of Famer like myself…

 

MIKE GREENBERG spit takes.

 

Sarah Kustok

Seriously?!

 

Carol Slezak

MR. SOSA!

 

Sammy Sosa

Front Row, Grandma Moses.

 

Carol Slezak

          (Takes a Deep Breath)

Mr. Sosa, after your photo was taken on November 7th, you claimed that the drastic change in your skin tone had to do with a skin rejuvenation cream from Europe and camera lighting.

 

Sammy Sosa

Si.

 

Carol Slezak

With all due respect, I have heard that the camera can put ten pounds on you…

Sammy Sosa

In your case, viente.

 

REPORTERS breakout into an angry

barrage.

 

Sammy Sosa

          (With “Silly Me” intention)

Ingles!

 

Jay Mariotti

          (A little Effeminate)

Jay Marriotti, Fanhouse.com

 

Sammy Sosa

Sorry about that Prop Ocho thing.

 

 

REPORTERS breakout into an angry

barrage.

 

Sammy Sosa

          (With “Silly Me” intention)

Ingles!

 

 

Trish Vignola

Trish Vignola, Big News Chicago

 

Sammy Sosa

I loved you in “Good Fellas.”

 

Trish Vignola

          (Plowing through)

Mr. Sosa, regardless of whether you “purposely” bleached your skin or not, does your new appearance have anything to do with the recent public acceptance of fellow performance enhancing drug offenders – Andy Pettitte and Alex Rodriguez?

 

Sammy Sosa

Que?

 

Jay Mariotti

They’re white and you’re not, you dunder head!

 

Carol Slezak

Are you trying to become whiter, in hopes of upping your acceptance amongst Hall of Fame voters?

 

Sammy Sosa

          (Slowly becoming more eloquent)

Race and public acceptance in the game have always been inextricably linked.

          (A throw away to CAROL SLEZAK)

You should know.  With a booty like that, you had to be a Negro Leagues fan?

 

Carol Slezak

I’m NOT that old you son of a…

 

Sammy Sosa

(More eloquent)

I swear under oath that I would never do anything to endanger myself for public acceptance in a mere child’s game.

 

Sarah Kutsok

Sammy, no one has sworn you in…

 

Sammy Sosa

(More eloquent)

It’s just an honor to have played the game in such a great city for as long as I have, your honor.

 

Sarah Kutsok

Sammy, you do realize where you are, right?

 

Sammy Sosa

          (Eloquent)

To play the game with such vanity would cause a person to do ridiculous things that I would never do…

 

Jay Marriotti

Like corking your bat?

 

Sammy Sosa

(Eloquent)

Cartoonish things…

 

Carol Slezak

Like your hat size along with your home run production increasing at an alarming rate?

 

Sammy Sosa

(U of C Professor Eloquent)

I just want to repeat, that I never based the actions of my career on the sole purpose of getting into the Baseball Hall of Fame.  I don’t care if I ever get inducted or not.

 

Mike Greenberg

Sammy.  I personally broadcasted your numerous comments this year alone about expecting to make the Hall of Fame, even though you lied to Congress, have been caught cheating on numerous occasions and seem to be capable of anything, including drastically altering your appearance to keep your face in the news. What do you have to say to this?

 

Sammy Sosa

(Comically Hispanic again)

Oh, I’m sorry…my English is not veddy good.

 

Trish Vignola

Sammy, what’s Spanish for Perjury?   

 

Sammy Sosa

          (Comically Hispanic)

No more questions!

SAMMY SOSA panics and runs off ala Speed Gonzalez.

BLACKOUT

 

 

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